Should one seek psychiatric help when they get depressed because one of the characters they play in an RP is depressed? XD

I keep crying every time I get in character for Teddy and it's killing him and I don't want him to die. He hasn't eaten in so long (broth barely counts). He's depressed, angry, still trying to get over being raped, lonely, and he can't help but think that the one person that he's convinced can make this all better is dead. He's on the verge of completely breaking and that scares the shit out me. This is a character that I've had for four months now and already I've become so bloody attached to him. Damn you Lupins. Stop becoming to bloody ingrained into my psyche.

Current Mood: depressed

I'm starting to resent my ex. I can't make her happy and I can't help but feel that at three in the damn morning, I'm allowed some time to myself. I can't make her happy because making it seems like the only way to make her happy would require me to lie to her and I won't do that. She acts so hostile towards me now sometimes. It's killing me.

Add onto that, a pipe broke in the basement and some of my grandmother's favorite paintings where ruined. Teh suck.


[b]14 October 2007[/b]
- Wild Cherry Pepsi
- My favorite character in my RP has been rescued from where he's been held prisoner (there's some nasty bad things that go with this, but let's concentrate on him no longer playing fucktoy to the bad guy, kay).
- Cheesy macaroni and beef for lunch.
- The way my hair still hasn't faded back all of the way from black yet and my roots are showing and the brown looks kinda cool with the black.
- Final Fantasy Tactics on the PSP <3

Current Mood: blank

11 October 2007
-Ginger ale

Current Mood: sleepy

I spoke with my grandmother recently about how I used my LiveJournal and now my InsaneJournal to vent about all of the negative things in my life and I came to the realization that the negativity expressed here is only detrimental. So I've decided from now on I will try to post at least one good thing about every day.


9 October 2007
-Kyle chasing after Mike when he called him sugarbear.

Current Mood: busy

I didn't plan to post anything or say anything to anyone about this, but it's been heavy on my thoughts since I found out and I have to get this out somewhere and to someone. Even if it is a handful of strangers, few of which aren't aware of my trans status. But I suppose that really doesn't matter because this is my personal journal and I'm free to write about whatever I wish.

A warning to those that may read this, the rest of this entry is of an extremely personal nature and I refuse to sugar coat it.

One month ago I had a pregnancy scare. I had sex with a close friend of mine and while we did use protection, I missed a period. At the time I thought it was stress so when I missed my second period, I thought perhaps still stress, but I had at least check. I didn't want to but I did anyways. Negative. I then waited the necessary three days and that was when my girlfriend at the time asked me what I had been talking about in my LiveJournal entry. Relieved and hoping for someone to talk to about this, I admitted to her what had happened.

Instead of the comfort that I desperately needed, I was treated with a level of cruelty that made my already fragile mental state at the time only worse.

Now, a month later, my grandfather agreed to pay for a doctor's appointment due to the debilitating cramps that have effected me this month. Not to mention the very heavy bleeding that made it impossible to wear even the super tampons for longer than a few hours.

I just learned that this wasn't two months of missed periods.

I had a miscarriage.

And I sit here, a day later, no longer bleeding as heavily and no longer cramping, wondering if I had wished it upon myself. I'm also laughing at the irony that one of my RP characters recently had a miscarriage as well.

I never wanted a child, especially now, and especially not from my own body, but this morning when I started bleeding again, I forced myself into a shower so that my grandmother wouldn't hear me sobbing.

It's strange how the lose of something that you didn't even know you had and didn't even want affected me so deeply. Even now I feel a strange sort of melancholy and the desire to speak to someone about this grows. Perhaps it's the idea of sharing this pain that overwhelmed me this morning.

Now, if only I could share this with the one person that I had always believed I could go to and that I think hurts more.

Current Mood: creative

I believe I may forgo all relationships for a very long time. Video games are so much more reliable.

Current Mood: curious

So I've made cerridwen666 on LJ and IJ into a writing and fandom meme journal. riprosencrantz though here on IJ is my personal journal. I mentioned this on LJ so anyone that friends me here will be able to keep track of how I am whenever I feel the desire to update anyone.

Of course seeing as how I only tend to update these sort of things when I'm depressed, you can't expect this journal to be very happy I suppose.

Like now. God don't get me started on what's wrong now.

Broke up with my girlfriend. Restarted a friendship with an old friend on a whim when I was invited to one of her character's wedding on Gaia Online. It's gone downhill from there. Now said ex-girlfriend wants me back and not only do I know what to do about it (and a part of me wants to let her back in), but I feel as if I'm being pressured into making a decision about it as well.

Add onto that the drama with my real life friends. It started out simple enough really and then I had to open my big mouth and somehow I got myself hurt again.

My friend Mike's girlfriend cheated on him last weekend. Apparently the story now is that the guy that did it spiked her drink with something. Before I heard about the spiked drink, I mentioned to my friend Kyle that I had had a crush on Mike at one point and that I suppose to a degree I still did (though the feelings aren't even half of what I had, still have, for Jess).

Now, Mike's taken her back and Mike isn't talking to me and all I did was mention a passing interest in him that I've all but gotten over. What makes it worst is that apparently everyone knew, even Mike and yet, he never said anything. I suppose it hurts more to be rejected like that.

It's impossible to think and my supposed best friend would only be hurt if I told her this directly because she's also my ex, and I remember how she reacted when I told her that I'd had a passing fancy for Ollie.

I hate my life. I really do.


On a more positive note though, Kyle and I are on the hunt for apartments and at least one (preferably two) roommate. At least on that front, things are starting to look up. Should be interesting once we find a place. I've tried to calculate the video games systems. By February we'll have:

NES
DS Lite
Playstation Portable
Playstation 1
Playstation 2 (2)
Playstation 3
Wii (2)
X-Box 360 Elite

Yeah we're set system-wise

Current Mood: blah

Testing.

ETA: There we have it. I finally figured out how to post multiple journal entries. As mentioned before, I will be using this journal as a personal journal while cerridwen666 will be my writing journal. Still unsure about what I'll be doing with LJ. For now, cerridwen666 is both writing and personal. That may change in the future though.

Current Mood: busy